Evans Poetry

⚠️☢️☣️ WARNING: THIS POETRY IS VERY BAD. DO NOT USE FOR ANY FORM OF EXAMPLE OR INSPIRATION. EVAN IS NOT LIABLE IF THE BAD POETRY POLICE COME AND ARREST HIM. DO NOT READ OUT LOUD. DO NOT READ IN PUBLIC SETTINGS. DO NOT READ EXPECTING SOMETHING GOOD. DO NOT READ AT ANY TIME BETWEEN 12AM TO 10PM ☣️☢️⚠️

This stuff sucks, but it was a big part of my life, so here it is

Solitude:

Here I am

Filling the empty space

That only resides where I am

Dreaming of others

Hoping to find something to warm my solitude

Sometimes I do

And it is quickly filled with more cold and empty space than there was before

Action, observance, and soul-searching

Only make the walls colder

And the empty space larger

Yet it contracts

Squeezes you of all desire

Erodes one's want for love

Wants turn into dreams

And dreams turn into failures

Until there is nothing

But me and empty, cold, space

Here I am

Scaffolding: So many people

Taking up space

Making the illusion that there is meaning

And yet the scaffolding connecting us

Is destroyed by my desperate grasp

Its so crowded

Friends, family, colleges

All occupy space

Some more than others

And yet you know that in that instant

That instant where you reach for more

That instant when you hope to find purpose

Only leads to more space to be filled

Which is filled with more scaffolding and people

Scaffolding which has been abandoned

Scaffolding which I know will never be built

And only traps me, making failure after failure

Never completing anything

Only preventing movement and desire

Its crowded

Yet the seclusion grows by the moment Of people, things existing

Always aspiring for more

Seeing others heights

Seeing how and what is made

How great it is

And how hard it seems to become as great

It’s never enough for one is always higher

It seems many have had enough

Enough trying to be the best

Resigned to being mediocre

But not me

No I will push through

Only to find a mountain higher

Maybe the resigned ones are right

Maybe it’s not worth it

Maybe i should resign to mediocrity

Stop disappointing myself

Getting closer to dying inside everyday

Never satisfied

Always dying

Initiation

That thing that nobody ever does

That thing that I must always do

Forever praying for somebody to do it

Until those monumental weeks of waiting

Those weeks where you forget the world

Those weeks where you turn the inner eye inwards

Searching for something that doesn’t make me hate myself

Praying for one to start something of value

Yet no buzz shakes my life

No buzz comes until I buzz them

And the moment I do

They love me for those moments

Giving me gratification for something I never deserved

And then it ends, those strings of words

Only to leave a string of questions

Wrapping around my mind

Squeezing me of all desire to reach

Forcing the eye ever inwards

Until you are too far in to see

Others looking in disgust

Exhaustion

Am I great?

Or is it just in my eyes?

Are my eyes turned too far inward?

Should I turn them farther outwards?

Viewing others and not turn the inner eye

Or would that be obsession and lurking

But those who turn inwards are obsessed with the self

Those who reach the equilibrium

Somehow find that infinitesimally small space

Where the eyes are perfectly balanced

Never for me

Something out of my reach

Till my eyes cease to move

Cease to searching

Cease to being all that I am

Trappings of the infinite Void:

The vastness of that void whose walls are made of stone

The void that consumes all and is infinite

Expanding in all directions, yet turning blood to ice with its intimate touch

Everything one has to offer to the world and void in their vastness

Is simply eaten by that void that burns desire with its enclosing grasp that tightens by the moment

It takes many different forms

Other people and their hunger

The infinite reservoir of self disappointment

Or the empty physical world we find ourselves in

No matter if you put in uncountable things

Or a single mustard seed

All is consumed without remorse

Most not appreciated or valued

Even if noticed nothing cares and whatever it is will be rapidly forgotten

Nothing changes, as the world becomes stagnant with its waves of snowballing freezing

For the void coils around all of us

All it squeezes all fascination and interest of all it encircles around

Leaving a bleak infinite void that constricts all life

Until there is nothing

A man of evil

How I have been cast aside

How it seems that whenever I share a time with someone

They never look back, never mourning the spent time

Could it be my fault? Of course it is

For I am a man of dark temptations and evil thoughts

How could I convince myself of otherwise

How could I believe I am worthy of any love

Any form of support is an echo, fading before it touches me

For it is impossible to believe there is any good inside when I am a man eclipsed by his own darkness

Nobody is ever inquisitive back

I always ask first, wonder first, look first

Could it be that they know how much of me is evil?

Impossible, only I know that, my exquisite mask is too perfect

And nobody can see through it, nobody

Yet I must always worry because it seems like everyone knows

Dooming me to a meaningless existence of solitude

Is this the existence of a man living in his shadows?

The light of today and the night of tomorrow:

Oh how I must dwell on today

For if I picture tomorrow

All turns to ash

Today I have people talking, people to feel the warmth of

But tomorrow they all disappear

Whether time grows on them or I am ostracized

The unopened letters will only contain broken dreams

The only thing I get back from roses is thorns

And when I am so far lost in the void I may join it

The Mask

How a mask hides everything I am

How in a group of the pure it hides the evil inside

How it shows the side that they want to see

A mask only pours guilt into the soul

Condemned to bedrock

While they soar higher than the clouds

When underneath that mask your face is disfigured

And everyone seems to know it

While you pour out love and dedication

You see it in return, yet it echos away

For a man with a mask of perfect design

Falls further into his own shadows every day

How the grind never ends

Perseverance they say

Grit they say

Yet they make it impossible

The only method to pass is release

Whether its sounds, sensation, or death

Yet here I am marking papers with numbers and words

That hold no real purpose other than grinding you down

Chipping and rubbing away until you’re but a pebble in the sea

Rather than the great boulder you once were

Yet most want it, they say it’s good, it’ll get you far

Yet it only diminishes and blinds everyone

The impact of a pebble is meaningless

Yet nobody even realizes they are a pebble

How the lies stab

The lies of confirmation bias

How I ask if I should even try

And everyone says try

And yet everyone knows I’m hopeless

I’ll never have any chance with anyone

All I will ever get from roses is thorns

Because I am truly awful, yet grasping out for more

How could those I trust most lie to my face

How could those I trust most not say I’m simply hopeless

Never could a being find me to be

A light

A hope

A love

A reason

And neither will I

Many have asked me why I hate myself

It’s because I never say the right thing

I make people laugh, but it’s hollow, and it slips out of mind

It’s because I never act right

My body is never good enough

And I like it that way

I enjoy the suffering

And nobody knows why

Not even me

Because I’ll never be anything to anyone

And I might be so meaningless I will join the void

Yet here I am despising everything

Despising those liars that can’t tell the truth

Despising the world for what it’s done to me

Despising myself beyond everything else

Existing and wasting the world away around me with

My idiocracy

My clawing for the warm touch

My mediocrity

My awkwardness

My aura of uncomfort

And that, is why I will never be a reason

Flaws of todays world:

The lost inherit flaw in the world today

Is the false belief of potential

Everyone believes that everyone can do anything

Everyone believes that anyone can climb the tallest mountain

Yet what nobody realizes that if everyone can do that

Then nobody is special

Nobody achieves anything

Nobody sets themselves apart

I am in the smarter group

Yet nobody here is special

Because we all see through the same factory lense

All given the challenge to achieve our dreams

When everyone knows that if we do reach them

Nobody really grows because everyone grew

Why have I been put here?

In this place of shades of grey

Where all I am is popular

Funny, and cool on the surface

But below nobody ventures

Nobody wants to see the inside of this great sight

And nobody can tell me why

Nobody would ever want to have me be a reason

Nobody would ever want to have me be a purpose

And nobody will ever convince me that driving slow is reasonable

Because I’ll never have a reason to drive slow

There are a million reasons to speed

But only one reason to drive with caution

And that reason is something I can never have

Because my hands grip too tightly to those I love

My hands are covered in ice

Uncomfortable and awkward

Both in touch and spoken word

Why do I stand here?

Devoid and without purpose

Oh how we believe we are enlightened

How we believe we are intelligent

How we think our figures incredible

How we think the world well

How behind walls and stand blind

How are the walls are clear, yet cloud our eyes

With bread, and circus

Panem et circenses

How we think this concept is from a time lost

Yet our minds stand murky and dwelling on things of pleasure

We have been blinded

With this comforting tar we all stand in

Standing stagnant with false stories of progress

Yet we have bread, we have circus always

And they are everywhere, dominating our lives

Yet we see through it, seeing the horror of the world

Some saying to help, to assist

And we stand there in mud laughing like we stand above

Because why act when the belly is full

And the eyes and mind are filled with pleasurable things

How blind we really are

Why can’t I believe I have meaning?

Why do I just feel this way?

Because nobody wants me

Because nobody speaks first

Nobody wants more out of me

And to feel this way is an act of weakness

Because I must be better

Lest I become a pathetic man

Who can’t fix his own dilemmas

I shouldn’t be his way

I should be acting at peak performance always

That is how it is done

And to show weakness is weak

To need friends, to need her

Is weak

And weakness is not something that I can tolerate

Yet I cant stop feeling this way

So why live in this world when I am only subpar

And weak

Here I am

Standing on the wrong side of the glass

Pounding the glass

Slamming my fist against that pane

That smooth surface that’s so slippery

So slippery to prevent climbing

Praying it will break or fracture

Allowing me a breath of the fresh air

Allowing me to experience paradise

Where people experience each other

Feeling each others warmth

Yet this side is nothing but a desolate waste

Social distancing is kept for no perceptible reason

I am stuck here

Staring through the glass

Eyeing those on the right side

Pounding the glass

Yet it only seems to become stronger with ever hit

Always staying here for all time

Never leaving because the universe has determined it

For some eldritch reasoning

Toying with me using false doors and windows

And here I stand baffled with of my greatness

And yet broken with my failures

And yet the universe stands observing me and laughing

Why do I always do this?

I step into somebody's life

And instead of righting the wrongs

I wrong her world

Whether it's because I have become involved in her business

Or because I’ve complicated basic things

And yet I can’t help myself

Why must I always get involved?

I used to yell to the sky that

That drama would be saved for another day

And yet I always am in the middle

The person that all the fingers are pointed towards

As everyone laughs at my failures

Yet hiding their laughter behind fake comforts

They’re weak, they can hide anything

Because I have the most exquisite mask of everyone

And I can see through it all

Yet see through all lenses

And see that I am truly a failure

And keep all emotion blocked behind a machine of perfection

The numbness of the world

Always cold, yet never freezing

Staying in a gray area of numbness

Because emotion has no purpose

Emotion only slows down the computing of a human

Yet perfect computation leaves you cold as ice

Waiting for some heat to be bestowed upon you

Because you are too weak to make your own heat

Too cold and distant to find love or friends

And when you do they don’t care

They would pick anyone over you

Because you are a meaningless machine

Oh how I am extraneous

Why am I like this

Why have I been designed as decorative

With all the people laughing at the jokes I tell

When they only do it to comfort me in my pointless state

I could simply turn into nothing

Because that's how much I contribute to everything

Nothing

And that's all that I will ever be

Because I will never build anything

I will never even secure or see anything

Because that's all that I am

Extraneous

Useless

Empty

Why do I exist

There will never be a day where I see my love

And tell her she is beautiful

I will never see the day where a human

Makes time in my name

Many ask why do I sit here motionless

The only answer I can make is I have nothing else

I can lay on my couch forevermore

But it will also always stay empty

Leaving me to myself

For no matter how positive I am

Or excited to see others

They never give it back

People find me easy to talk to, yet difficult to connect to

Which means I am an interface

I am simply a thing you connect with and interact with

If I have no more meaning than a digitizer

Then I shouldn’t even exist

There’s a still moment when you realize, yet beautiful

You don’t matter

You don’t contribute

You don’t mean anything to anyone at all

Some turn to you after all other paths have been cut off

To others you are the loser who fails without fail

To others you are a decorative fixture in their day

But to the world you mean nothing

Because everybody is living in their own fake world

There will be a moment when you forget something

And nobody remembers for you

If they cared they would

If they ever did they would have shown it

But they let you forget

So I’m going to forget them

I’m going to forget the world

Am I real?

Many would say yes

But we all know the answer

For I am but a decoration in others lives

Or a tool to be used, and disposed

But I care not

I will continue on

Because if the world has turned its back on me then why care

Why not drift into obscurity

Why not drive until both tanks are empty

Because nobody sees me

Nobody sees under the lake

But the surface…

Calm, cool, contained

Sometimes too still

But nobody will ever find out if treasure or horror

Are under the surface

Why am I here

I’m not even real

Why has my passion drained away

Anything is simply a thing

A person is just a person

When I hear something I loved

I realize I love it no more

For the plum of passion has been dried

The unending flow of aether of l is still

Its fair fullness has vanished

It is simply a shriveled husk on the ground

Yet hiding its true face of remorse

Just like me

Gone

They all disappeared

It feels too soon

Yet it's already been years

I should be sad

I should be mourning their departure

But instead I only reflect on my imperfections

I write and write to them

But never send my words

I still trace their fingerprints

Hoping to follow their legacy in any way

Because now it's just me

Trying to fill in their footstep

With echoes of my mistakes lingering around me

With me to fill their infinite hole

That no version of me will ever fill

There is no version of me

That could ever match them

That could ever simply be as interesting

Gone

Why am I still here?

Everyone moves

Yet I sit

Waiting to leave

Ready to leave

But you’re not done.

You still have time to waste

And love to find

Yet you cannot find the life within you to do it

Desperately holding the dread off

Thinking about those that passed before you

And their incredible legacy

That I couldn't hope to trace

Yet I am here

Waiting to leave

You’re so busy in the moment

Your mind so clouded by the thought of their empty space

That you forgot if they will trace your fingerprints

You forget if they will see the imprint and mourn

And when you realize your body becomes a void

Stuck thinking about how you don’t contribute

You’re not special

You haven’t mattered to them since day 1

You are simply a flavor in their mouth

Leaving nothing behind

You reminisce of how you’ve failed them

When they never even knew

They never even knew you

And that claws out your heart

And nothing can ever fill it again

Because they’ll never see what you become

They’re gone

The only reason I might still be here

Is gone

After what seems like too little time

When it’s been years

How could I pray to carry on a legacy

That is nigh limitless

How could I carry another generation

Like they carried me

How could I possibly fill the hole left behind?

I don’t have to

Because the next generation

Has no fathom of the hole left by them

But they will know the hole left by me

At some moments my mask slips

It doesn't happen often

I love the imagery of rot underneath

I find comfort in the grotesque

But later I realize

It isn't what I thought it was

It isn't a thing of beauty, nor of decay

I am still a man underneath

Many don't accept what it is

But some might be allured

Some might find a jewel under that cover

And when they see me for who I am

I will finally realize that I don't need the mask

I will finally realize that I was a fool living in voluntary misery

But I will finally be free

There are those moments

When your heart is warmed

But it is hollow

It has no real meaning

The moment is manufactured

You’re not unique

You’re not special

I’ll play nice always

But I’m not always wanting more

The good of the many

Outweigh the good of the few

But

Only when it has meaning

Only when its unique

And only when people will mix their routine

Step away from the standard

And find something new

The true mirror:

That motion

Visions of horrific moments flash

Hopes and dreams die

As you studiously review interaction

Redoing it after the fact

That motion that goes in circles

The way I perfect words spoken in the past

The way I correct untouchable things

That motion of decay

As I walk in circles I only carve a circle in my mind

I cave a hole in my skin

As the ultimate form of punishment is harm

Thinking about yesterday, now, and tomorrow

All at once

Correcting possible things

Correcting past things

Correcting myself

Yet it all goes to nothing

Because it only digs the trench deeper

But you’re only fighting a mirror

Look at how huge this world is

We are so blissfully ignorant

Ignoring billions to have our 50

Watching cars go by wondering

How their lives are hard

Wondering what’s happening in their lives

Have they gotten a promotion

Did they just get fired

Did they just get married

Or did they just get divorced

Are they having the time of their lives

Or suffering in complete agony

This we will never know because we are all ignorant

Yet it’s so blissful

Here I am

Imagining I am so high

When I’m touching the floor

How could I be foolish and imagine

And dream

Of my own greatness

When I haven’t even jumped

Trying to hit something other than the ground

Yet everyone says I have potential

And everyone says I am high

Yet it’s all lies

How could the world lie to me like this

But why should I be angry

When I am only the fool

Why say anything

When all my mouth contains is poison

Creating a cloud of toxic around me

Infecting everything around me

My voice isn’t of vibration and air

It’s of disease

When I try to laugh

Or inflict that on others

It isn’t what it should be

It only makes the air stiff

Leaving me there

Alone

It kills me on the inside

To not be valued

Not for my voice

Not for my looks

Not for who I am

The poison stains me

And that is why I am silent

Why can’t it happen

Many call it a fling

Many call is something worse

Something better

But I call it a chance

That I know im not deserving of

Despite my desperation

Despite my need for it

No.

I will be stronger

I don’t need compassion

I don’t need any woman

They do not complete me

Because they don’t complete themselves

I can keep clawing in desperation

I can yearn all I want

But I am mistaken as always

I’ll be better in solitude

Here I stand

Standing at this precipice

Wanting to look forward

Yet all you see is fog

But even if the future was clear

I would only be able to look back

Backwards at my past

The good I want to forget

The bad I need to learn from

The mistakes I kill myself over

The passion I reach for now

And then in the contemporary I look in the mirror

And realize it’s led to nothing of worth

If it did I wouldn’t be drained

I would have purpose

I would have all I wanted

Yet all I wanted is as hollow as life itself

Hollow like society

Hollow like desire

Hollow like lust

Hollow like all humans are

Because all in all we fade away in each others minds

Centered on the past and not others nor the future

Living in the contemporary like it’s all fine

Yet we lie and lie and lie that we have purpose

Inventing pleading attempts at meaning

Here I move

Here I run

Run away from my problems

For I am weaker than I thought

But I run with direction

I flee with purpose

Towards something else

Something pointless in the long run

Because I am pointless

But I believe

Through freedom and power

I will reach new heights

While I might not have meaning

I can make it myself

I need not the touch of a woman

Nor the compassion I cannot give myself

Because I will make it myself

I don’t need to find it

Finding a vineyard is impossible

And finding one is pointless

Because I’ll build it

I’ll grow it from bare dirt

It’s already been watered

I just have to care for once

And then I will sit and watch

And hate myself

But something with change

Something will grow

Even if I have no purpose

How can I find the light

When I pollute darkness

With my mouth

My touch

My very presence

It ruins and withers everything

How can my head be looking down so many roads

So much information

Yet I still have no clue

Because I’m doomed

Not because someone ruined it for me

But because ive burned it

I’ve burned it all down around me

So many care

Yet I make it untrue

Burning that care

Because there’s no point

Where is the light?

Someday I will discover

Nothing

Because there is no light

Empty

As like a hollow space

Of perhaps a heart

Or a soul

Is all that fills my mind and my heart

And I can’t let it escape

I won’t

For a reason that escapes my mind

At least the rotted part

But I know that nothing can fill it

Except me

But that’s impossible

Impossible like a warmed heart

A heart wamed by the warm thought of her

Yet her face remains concealed from me

Yet all I can fill it with is contentness in my own image

But my eyes have been veiled

My eyes fail to see

My eyes fail to see the world for what it is

Because I lack conviction

Yet it’s always me

This empty space is so cold

So constricting

I cannot act for the people around me don’t allow it

Yet I must act or I’ll collapse

From the last spark of light

To the depths of the abyss

Where everyone sees a projection

And not me

My feeling is as a wick

Burning

Disappearing

Every interaction is more flame

Burning me down

Killing me slowly

Yet I burn myself faster

Wanting it to end

Seeking a death to the path

For I could never find another wick to share the flame

I could never make myself stronger to burn longer

Yet my burning still gives light

Perhaps that light wil be used by something

Or it could be found to be beautiful

Yet that day is not here

So I must live

And burn

While the world watches

I didn’t even contribute

Yet I was the loudest

I did the most

Yet I want to die now

Nothing I said was good

Nothing I did was good

There I stood with 3 opportunities

3 chances

3 windows

3 lights

Some already closed

And I closed it

I just cannot help myself

My disappointment flickers

To die

Because I wouldn’t even be worth it

And nobody will tell me

Yet everyone knows

My face

Isn’t nice without the mask

I was a fool to attempt a removal

And that is all I ever will be

A fool

And a mistake

Imagine

Imagine a moment

Where you are one of my heart

I no longer have to turn the inner eye

To see why I am left void in others

Because you fill the vision of my eyes

Simply imagine that

Despite… wait

Now imagine a moment

Where you are seen

Under the mask of perfection

The mask of humor and appearance

And seen for what you really are

You

Your flawed fatality

There is no flawed beauty

Now open your real eyes

And realize that’s all that exists

Now stop imagining

For it will do you no good

Just like this life

How could the face be gone

What is a mask without something to conceal

Why must I join the multitude of the mindless

Where the face must be influenced to have shape

Turning you into a shapeless faceless thing

Why can’t the inner eye see anymore

And rely upon those others within the mass

To simply know peace

Yet peace doesn’t come

It never can

Ones worth is a face reflecting ambition

Yet the mindless have no ambition

No mind to think

No will to break