Evans Poetry

⚠️☢️☣️ WARNING: THIS POETRY IS VERY BAD. DO NOT USE FOR ANY FORM OF EXAMPLE OR INSPIRATION. EVAN IS NOT LIABLE IF THE BAD POETRY POLICE COME AND ARREST HIM ☣️☢️⚠️

Solitude:

Here I am

Filling the empty space

That only resides where I am

Dreaming of others

Hoping to find something to warm my solitude

Sometimes I do

And it is quickly filled with more cold and empty space than there was before

Action, observance, and soul-searching

Only make the walls colder

And the empty space larger

Yet it contracts

Squeezes you of all desire

Erodes one's want for love

Wants turn into dreams

And dreams turn into failures

Until there is nothing

But me and empty, cold, space

Here I am

Scaffolding: So many people

Taking up space

Making the illusion that there is meaning

And yet the scaffolding connecting us

Is destroyed by my desperate grasp

Its so crowded

Friends, family, colleges

All occupy space

Some more than others

And yet you know that in that instant

That instant where you reach for more

That instant when you hope to find purpose

Only leads to more space to be filled

Which is filled with more scaffolding and people

Scaffolding which has been abandoned

Scaffolding which I know will never be built

And only traps me, making failure after failure

Never completing anything

Only preventing movement and desire

Its crowded

Yet the seclusion grows by the moment Of people, things existing

Always aspiring for more Seeing others heights Seeing how and what is made How great it is And how hard it seems to become as great It’s never enough for one is always higher It seems many have had enough Enough trying to be the best Resigned to being mediocre But not me No I will push through Only to find a mountain higher Maybe the resigned ones are right Maybe it’s not worth it Maybe i should resign to mediocrity Stop disappointing myself Getting closer to dying inside everyday Never satisfied Always dying

Initiation That thing that nobody ever does That thing that I must always do Forever praying for somebody to do it Until those monumental weeks of waiting Those weeks where you forget the world Those weeks where you turn the inner eye inwards Searching for something that doesn’t make me hate myself Praying for one to start something of value Yet no buzz shakes my life No buzz comes until I buzz them And the moment I do They love me for those moments Giving me gratification for something I never deserved And then it ends, those strings of words Only to leave a string of questions Wrapping around my mind Squeezing me of all desire to reach Forcing the eye ever inwards Until you are too far in to see Others looking in disgust

Exhaustion Am I great? Or is it just in my eyes? Are my eyes turned too far inward? Should I turn them farther outwards? Viewing others and not turn the inner eye Or would that be obsession and lurking But those who turn inwards are obsessed with the self Those who reach the equilibrium Somehow find that infinitesimally small space Where the eyes are perfectly balanced Never for me Something out of my reach Till my eyes cease to move Cease to searching Cease to being all that I am

Trappings of the infinite Void:

The vastness of that void whose walls are made of stone The void that consumes all and is infinite Expanding in all directions, yet turning blood to ice with its intimate touch Everything one has to offer to the world and void in their vastness Is simply eaten by that void that burns desire with its enclosing grasp that tightens by the moment It takes many different forms Other people and their hunger The infinite reservoir of self disappointment Or the empty physical world we find ourselves in No matter if you put in uncountable things Or a single mustard seed All is consumed without remorse Most not appreciated or valued Even if noticed nothing cares and whatever it is will be rapidly forgotten Nothing changes, as the world becomes stagnant with its waves of snowballing freezing For the void coils around all of us All it squeezes all fascination and interest of all it encircles around Leaving a bleak infinite void that constricts all life Until there is nothing

A man of evil How I have been cast aside How it seems that whenever I share a time with someone They never look back, never mourning the spent time Could it be my fault? Of course it is For I am a man of dark temptations and evil thoughts How could I convince myself of otherwise How could I believe I am worthy of any love Any form of support is an echo, fading before it touches me For it is impossible to believe there is any good inside when I am a man eclipsed by his own darkness Nobody is ever inquisitive back I always ask first, wonder first, look first Could it be that they know how much of me is evil? Impossible, only I know that, my exquisite mask is too perfect And nobody can see through it, nobody Yet I must always worry because it seems like everyone knows Dooming me to a meaningless existence of solitude Is this the existence of a man living in his shadows?

The light of today and the night of tomorrow: Oh how I must dwell on today For if I picture tomorrow All turns to ash Today I have people talking, people to feel the warmth of But tomorrow they all disappear Whether time grows on them or I am ostracized The unopened letters will only contain broken dreams The only thing I get back from roses is thorns And when I am so far lost in the void I may join it

The Mask How a mask hides everything I am How in a group of the pure it hides the evil inside How it shows the side that they want to see A mask only pours guilt into the soul Condemned to bedrock While they soar higher than the clouds When underneath that mask your face is disfigured And everyone seems to know it While you pour out love and dedication You see it in return, yet it echos away For a man with a mask of perfect design Falls further into his own shadows every day

How the grind never ends Perseverance they say Grit they say Yet they make it impossible The only method to pass is release Whether its sounds, sensation, or death Yet here I am marking papers with numbers and words That hold no real purpose other than grinding you down Chipping and rubbing away until you’re but a pebble in the sea Rather than the great boulder you once were Yet most want it, they say it’s good, it’ll get you far Yet it only diminishes and blinds everyone The impact of a pebble is meaningless Yet nobody even realizes they are a pebble

How the lies stab The lies of confirmation bias How I ask if I should even try And everyone says try And yet everyone knows I’m hopeless I’ll never have any chance with anyone All I will ever get from roses is thorns Because I am truly awful, yet grasping out for more How could those I trust most lie to my face How could those I trust most not say I’m simply hopeless Never could a being find me to be A light A hope A love A reason And neither will I

Many have asked me why I hate myself It’s because I never say the right thing I make people laugh, but it’s hollow, and it slips out of mind It’s because I never act right My body is never good enough And I like it that way I enjoy the suffering And nobody knows why Not even me Because I’ll never be anything to anyone And I might be so meaningless I will join the void Yet here I am despising everything Despising those liars that can’t tell the truth Despising the world for what it’s done to me Despising myself beyond everything else Existing and wasting the world away around me with My idiocracy My clawing for the warm touch My mediocrity My awkwardness My aura of uncomfort And that, is why I will never be a reason

Flaws of todays world: The lost inherit flaw in the world today Is the false belief of potential Everyone believes that everyone can do anything Everyone believes that anyone can climb the tallest mountain Yet what nobody realizes that if everyone can do that Then nobody is special Nobody achieves anything Nobody sets themselves apart I am in the smarter group Yet nobody here is special Because we all see through the same factory lense All given the challenge to achieve our dreams When everyone knows that if we do reach them Nobody really grows because everyone grew

Why have I been put here? In this place of shades of grey Where all I am is popular Funny, and cool on the surface But below nobody ventures Nobody wants to see the inside of this great sight And nobody can tell me why Nobody would ever want to have me be a reason Nobody would ever want to have me be a purpose And nobody will ever convince me that driving slow is reasonable Because I’ll never have a reason to drive slow There are a million reasons to speed But only one reason to drive with caution And that reason is something I can never have Because my hands grip too tightly to those I love My hands are covered in ice Uncomfortable and awkward Both in touch and spoken word Why do I stand here? Devoid and without purpose

Oh how we believe we are enlightened How we believe we are intelligent How we think our figures incredible How we think the world well How behind walls and stand blind How are the walls are clear, yet cloud our eyes With bread, and circus Panem et circenses How we think this concept is from a time lost Yet our minds stand murky and dwelling on things of pleasure We have been blinded With this comforting tar we all stand in Standing stagnant with false stories of progress Yet we have bread, we have circus always And they are everywhere, dominating our lives Yet we see through it, seeing the horror of the world Some saying to help, to assist And we stand there in mud laughing like we stand above Because why act when the belly is full And the eyes and mind are filled with pleasurable things How blind we really are

Why can’t I believe I have meaning? Why do I just feel this way? Because nobody wants me Because nobody speaks first Nobody wants more out of me And to feel this way is an act of weakness Because I must be better Lest I become a pathetic man Who can’t fix his own dilemmas I shouldn’t be his way I should be acting at peak performance always That is how it is done And to show weakness is weak To need friends, to need her Is weak And weakness is not something that I can tolerate Yet I cant stop feeling this way So why live in this world when I am only subpar And weak

Here I am Standing on the wrong side of the glass Pounding the glass Slamming my fist against that pane That smooth surface that’s so slippery So slippery to prevent climbing Praying it will break or fracture Allowing me a breath of the fresh air Allowing me to experience paradise Where people experience each other Feeling each others warmth Yet this side is nothing but a desolate waste Social distancing is kept for no perceptible reason I am stuck here Staring through the glass Eyeing those on the right side Pounding the glass Yet it only seems to become stronger with ever hit Always staying here for all time Never leaving because the universe has determined it For some eldritch reasoning Toying with me using false doors and windows And here I stand baffled with of my greatness And yet broken with my failures And yet the universe stands observing me and laughing

Why do I always do this? I step into somebody's life And instead of righting the wrongs I wrong her world Whether it's because I have become involved in her business Or because I’ve complicated basic things And yet I can’t help myself Why must I always get involved? I used to yell to the sky that That drama would be saved for another day And yet I always am in the middle The person that all the fingers are pointed towards As everyone laughs at my failures Yet hiding their laughter behind fake comforts They’re weak, they can hide anything Because I have the most exquisite mask of everyone And I can see through it all Yet see through all lenses And see that I am truly a failure And keep all emotion blocked behind a machine of perfection

The numbness of the world Always cold, yet never freezing Staying in a gray area of numbness Because emotion has no purpose Emotion only slows down the computing of a human Yet perfect computation leaves you cold as ice Waiting for some heat to be bestowed upon you Because you are too weak to make your own heat Too cold and distant to find love or friends And when you do they don’t care They would pick anyone over you Because you are a meaningless machine

Oh how I am extraneous Why am I like this Why have I been designed as decorative With all the people laughing at the jokes I tell When they only do it to comfort me in my pointless state I could simply turn into nothing Because that's how much I contribute to everything Nothing And that's all that I will ever be Because I will never build anything I will never even secure or see anything Because that's all that I am Extraneous Useless Empty

Why do I exist There will never be a day where I see my love And tell her she is beautiful I will never see the day where a human Makes time in my name Many ask why do I sit here motionless The only answer I can make is I have nothing else I can lay on my couch forevermore But it will also always stay empty Leaving me to myself For no matter how positive I am Or excited to see others They never give it back People find me easy to talk to, yet difficult to connect to Which means I am an interface I am simply a thing you connect with and interact with If I have no more meaning than a digitizer Then I shouldn’t even exist

There’s a still moment when you realize, yet beautiful You don’t matter You don’t contribute You don’t mean anything to anyone at all Some turn to you after all other paths have been cut off To others you are the loser who fails without fail To others you are a decorative fixture in their day But to the world you mean nothing Because everybody is living in their own fake world There will be a moment when you forget something And nobody remembers for you If they cared they would If they ever did they would have shown it But they let you forget So I’m going to forget them I’m going to forget the world

Am I real? Many would say yes But we all know the answer For I am but a decoration in others lives Or a tool to be used, and disposed But I care not I will continue on Because if the world has turned its back on me then why care Why not drift into obscurity Why not drive until both tanks are empty Because nobody sees me Nobody sees under the lake But the surface… Calm, cool, contained Sometimes too still But nobody will ever find out if treasure or horror Are under the surface Why am I here I’m not even real

Why has my passion drained away Anything is simply a thing A person is just a person When I hear something I loved I realize I love it no more For the plum of passion has been dried The unending flow of aether of l is still Its fair fullness has vanished It is simply a shriveled husk on the ground Yet hiding its true face of remorse Just like me

Gone

They all disappeared
It feels too soon
Yet it's already been years
I should be sad
I should be mourning their departure
But instead I only reflect on my imperfections
I write and write to them
But never send my words

I still trace their fingerprints Hoping to follow their legacy in any way Because now it's just me Trying to fill in their footstep

With echoes of my mistakes lingering around me
With me to fill their infinite hole
That no version of me will ever fill

There is no version of me That could ever match them That could ever simply be as interesting Gone

Why am I still here? Everyone moves Yet I sit Waiting to leave Ready to leave But you’re not done. You still have time to waste And love to find Yet you cannot find the life within you to do it Desperately holding the dread off Thinking about those that passed before you And their incredible legacy That I couldn't hope to trace Yet I am here Waiting to leave You’re so busy in the moment Your mind so clouded by the thought of their empty space That you forgot if they will trace your fingerprints You forget if they will see the imprint and mourn And when you realize your body becomes a void Stuck thinking about how you don’t contribute You’re not special You haven’t mattered to them since day 1 You are simply a flavor in their mouth Leaving nothing behind You reminisce of how you’ve failed them When they never even knew They never even knew you And that claws out your heart And nothing can ever fill it again Because they’ll never see what you become

They’re gone The only reason I might still be here Is gone After what seems like too little time When it’s been years How could I pray to carry on a legacy That is nigh limitless How could I carry another generation Like they carried me How could I possibly fill the hole left behind? I don’t have to Because the next generation Has no fathom of the hole left by them But they will know the hole left by me

At some moments my mask slips It doesn't happen often I love the imagery of rot underneath I find comfort in the grotesque But later I realize It isn't what I thought it was It isn't a thing of beauty, nor of decay I am still a man underneath Many don't accept what it is But some might be allured Some might find a jewel under that cover And when they see me for who I am I will finally realize that I don't need the mask I will finally realize that I was a fool living in voluntary misery But I will finally be free

There are those moments When your heart is warmed But it is hollow It has no real meaning The moment is manufactured You’re not unique You’re not special I’ll play nice always But I’m not always wanting more The good of the many Outweigh the good of the few But Only when it has meaning Only when its unique And only when people will mix their routine Step away from the standard And find something new

The true mirror: That motion Visions of horrific moments flash Hopes and dreams die As you studiously review interaction Redoing it after the fact That motion that goes in circles The way I perfect words spoken in the past The way I correct untouchable things That motion of decay As I walk in circles I only carve a circle in my mind I cave a hole in my skin As the ultimate form of punishment is harm Thinking about yesterday, now, and tomorrow All at once Correcting possible things Correcting past things Correcting myself Yet it all goes to nothing Because it only digs the trench deeper But you’re only fighting a mirror

Look at how huge this world is We are so blissfully ignorant Ignoring billions to have our 50 Watching cars go by wondering How their lives are hard Wondering what’s happening in their lives Have they gotten a promotion Did they just get fired Did they just get married Or did they just get divorced Are they having the time of their lives Or suffering in complete agony This we will never know because we are all ignorant Yet it’s so blissful

Here I am Imagining I am so high When I’m touching the floor How could I be foolish and imagine And dream Of my own greatness When I haven’t even jumped Trying to hit something other than the ground Yet everyone says I have potential And everyone says I am high Yet it’s all lies How could the world lie to me like this But why should I be angry When I am only the fool

Why say anything When all my mouth contains is poison Creating a cloud of toxic around me Infecting everything around me My voice isn’t of vibration and air It’s of disease When I try to laugh Or inflict that on others It isn’t what it should be It only makes the air stiff Leaving me there Alone It kills me on the inside To not be valued Not for my voice Not for my looks Not for who I am The poison stains me And that is why I am silent

Why can’t it happen Many call it a fling Many call is something worse Something better But I call it a chance That I know im not deserving of Despite my desperation Despite my need for it No. I will be stronger I don’t need compassion I don’t need any woman They do not complete me Because they don’t complete themselves I can keep clawing in desperation I can yearn all I want But I am mistaken as always I’ll be better in solitude

Here I stand Standing at this precipice Wanting to look forward Yet all you see is fog But even if the future was clear I would only be able to look back Backwards at my past The good I want to forget The bad I need to learn from The mistakes I kill myself over The passion I reach for now And then in the contemporary I look in the mirror And realize it’s led to nothing of worth If it did I wouldn’t be drained I would have purpose I would have all I wanted Yet all I wanted is as hollow as life itself Hollow like society Hollow like desire Hollow like lust Hollow like all humans are Because all in all we fade away in each others minds Centered on the past and not others nor the future Living in the contemporary like it’s all fine Yet we lie and lie and lie that we have purpose Inventing pleading attempts at meaning

Here I move Here I run Run away from my problems For I am weaker than I thought But I run with direction I flee with purpose Towards something else Something pointless in the long run Because I am pointless But I believe Through freedom and power I will reach new heights While I might not have meaning I can make it myself I need not the touch of a woman Nor the compassion I cannot give myself Because I will make it myself I don’t need to find it Finding a vineyard is impossible And finding one is pointless Because I’ll build it I’ll grow it from bare dirt It’s already been watered I just have to care for once And then I will sit and watch And hate myself But something with change Something will grow Even if I have no purpose

How can I find the light When I pollute darkness With my mouth My touch My very presence It ruins and withers everything How can my head be looking down so many roads So much information Yet I still have no clue Because I’m doomed Not because someone ruined it for me But because ive burned it I’ve burned it all down around me So many care Yet I make it untrue Burning that care Because there’s no point Where is the light? Someday I will discover Nothing Because there is no light

Empty As like a hollow space Of perhaps a heart Or a soul Is all that fills my mind and my heart And I can’t let it escape I won’t For a reason that escapes my mind At least the rotted part But I know that nothing can fill it Except me But that’s impossible Impossible like a warmed heart A heart wamed by the warm thought of her Yet her face remains concealed from me Yet all I can fill it with is contentness in my own image But my eyes have been veiled My eyes fail to see My eyes fail to see the world for what it is Because I lack conviction Yet it’s always me This empty space is so cold So constricting I cannot act for the people around me don’t allow it Yet I must act or I’ll collapse From the last spark of light To the depths of the abyss Where everyone sees a projection And not me

My feeling is as a wick Burning Disappearing Every interaction is more flame Burning me down Killing me slowly Yet I burn myself faster Wanting it to end Seeking a death to the path For I could never find another wick to share the flame I could never make myself stronger to burn longer Yet my burning still gives light Perhaps that light wil be used by something Or it could be found to be beautiful Yet that day is not here So I must live And burn While the world watches

I didn’t even contribute Yet I was the loudest I did the most Yet I want to die now Nothing I said was good Nothing I did was good There I stood with 3 opportunities 3 chances 3 windows 3 lights Some already closed And I closed it I just cannot help myself My disappointment flickers To die Because I wouldn’t even be worth it And nobody will tell me Yet everyone knows My face Isn’t nice without the mask I was a fool to attempt a removal And that is all I ever will be A fool And a mistake

Imagine Imagine a moment Where you are one of my heart I no longer have to turn the inner eye To see why I am left void in others Because you fill the vision of my eyes Simply imagine that Despite… wait Now imagine a moment Where you are seen Under the mask of perfection The mask of humor and appearance And seen for what you really are You Your flawed fatality There is no flawed beauty

Now open your real eyes

And realize that’s all that exists Now stop imagining For it will do you no good Just like this life

How could the face be gone What is a mask without something to conceal Why must I join the multitude of the mindless Where the face must be influenced to have shape Turning you into a shapeless faceless thing Why can’t the inner eye see anymore And rely upon those others within the mass To simply know peace Yet peace doesn’t come It never can Ones worth is a face reflecting ambition Yet the mindless have no ambition No mind to think No will to break